Perception and Gammon Steaks

Today was a pretty rubbish day, when I thought actually it was going to be okay for once. Firstly I had a bad nights sleep (which I have for the past few days) and that meant that getting up in the morning was hell. Then I got up, got the kids breakfast and sat down to rest for a bit. Suddenly I heard a knock on the door, at first I thought it was just door to door salesmen and ignored it, then they knocked again. I got the step stool and peered through the peep hole. It was the woman from the childrens centre, who arranges the young parents group! At this point I kicked myself and just thought "Monday, duh! Obviously she's coming over." I quickly put on my husbands coat to cover my dignity (not that I sleep naked, I don't sleep in my underwear though) and opened the door, ashamedly having to admit that I had forgotten and that no one was dressed. She was very nice about it really, and this put me back in a good state of mind. I agreed with her that she would come back to get us in 30 minutes, then whizzed around and got everyone dressed and ready. Stuart came home at the exact same point we were ready to go, which was handy as he could help with the carseat/getting little guy in the car. We got downstairs and got all loaded up and away, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't think anything could go wrong from there. I was so wrong. Because it's half term week there were a lot of other parents there with their kids, which with my anxiety problems is amazingly scary. I went very closety and refused to speak for the most part, aside from talking to the kids about what they were doing. All seemed okay apart from me being unable to speak, crippled by my unfashionably extreme anxiety/shyness. Then it came to lunchtime, and God knows why, but they had decided to serve up stir fry noodles. Now my son is 9 months old, and all his food still needs to be mashed, plus they frown upon you bringing your own food. What possesed them to make such a stupid meal? I will never know. Needless to say it was impossible to mash, so I tried giving little guy the small chunks of fairly soft peppers in the noodles. I had little lady on the other side of him messing around and being silly, I turned for one second to sort her out (there was a baby behind her chair in a bouncer too) and little guy started choking. I freaked out completely, shoved my little finger in his mouth to try to sweep it out but it was in his throat, so I just thumped him pretty hard on the back which seemed to work. He wasn't pleased about it all, so I picked him up. He then thanked me by throwing up all over my coat, and into my pocket where my gloves, keys and phone were. Nice. Everyone was just sat at the table staring at me, it was the most embaressing thing ever. I turned away and crouched on the floor to try to mop myself and little guy up. I had no baby wipes, and no one offered me any, so I had to get it off with my already sick coated coat's sleeve. We then ran off into the other open room full of toys, and I thought that would make me feel better but it really didn't. I wanted to cry, how bad does it look when not only does my child choke and throw up on myself and him, but I have nothing to clean it up with. I felt like a real tramp, and the worst mother in the world. I hid in that room for half an hour until it was time to go home. Then we got home and I got rather upset, which always seems to upset Stuart. He told me not to "mope" and this made matters worse. We had an argument, and by this time I just felt lkike my whole existance was utterly pointless. I cheered up for a little while when Stuart went to get us some late lunch, then later had another outburst in the shop. I went down to pick up some gammon for dinner, I had been in the smaller shop beforehand and they hadn't given me a bag which annoyed me enough really. I went to pay for my steaks, and this inconciderate person was infront of me who wouldn't let me reach to get a divider. Then when I needed a bag she wouldn't move so I could get that either. This woman was stone dumb, I mean honestly. She even put her card into the chip and pin machine the wrong way around. Then when she had left, I paid for my things and was struggling to get the bag open to put my things inside it. The man who was serving me pushed the change and receipt into my hand and pushed my things over to one side. I speed packet them and exited with the rather loud remark "Well you certainly pay for the service!" What was I thinking? I phoned up Stuart immediately to tell him, and straight away in my head I went "What did I just do? I'm turning into a real asshole." My mood lowered back down again, and I felt like a total bitch. When I got home though all was fine, had dinner which was delicious (Gammon steak, with brocolli, carrots and rosemary roast potatoes, mmm!) and here I am. I dunno how I feel now, it's almost like I have a beast inside me that only comes out when I get upset or pissed off. Most of the time I just feel impartial, not happy but not sad either, or angry. I hope I discover what the source of all this bother is soon, or I'm gonna do something I regret.



On a lighter note; this made me giggle big time! ^-^